Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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