Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
