My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
