the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
