mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
