My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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