you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
