do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
