dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
