even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
