can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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