I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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