I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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