i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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