Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
