I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
