I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
