Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
