Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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