I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
