apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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