There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
