I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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