i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
