How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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