i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
the raccoons are back...
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