So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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