i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
