I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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