Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
