He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
