Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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