my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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