I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
