ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
