I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
