So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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