My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
