Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
