The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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