mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
