the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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