Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
