Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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