You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
