I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize