Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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