College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
