JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think my moral compass just broke
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