Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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