I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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