he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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