hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
