Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
