i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
