I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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