His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
