She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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