I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
