i think my mom watched the whole time
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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