I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
