remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
