My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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