I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize