i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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