Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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